Anti-Tsunami

Russian Jews
Last Thursday I left for Florida to attend my mom and Basil’s wedding. I slept over Andrea’s and Super Shuttle was delinquent so I took a PT Cruiser cab to Oakland for $60. I hired a Russian cab driver who wanted the low-down on my roommate, a fellow Russian Jew. Russian Jews are jovial and success-driven.

Reality TV
During my layover in Chicago I tried Micky-D’s new fruit and walnut salad. To be frank, my favorite part was the green fork. I volunteered my seat and got a free flight voucher. During the drama of the overbooking, I was interviewed by a new A&E reality TV show about airports. If you see me, let me know! I think I was too expressionless…ironically. Correct me if I’m wrong, I don’t have a short fuse with anybody but my mom and sister (and with Ruth back in the day). The airline put me up at the Hampton Inn, which was surprisingly nice and clean. I was too far, and my new flight too early, to explore the fun parts of Chicago or to visit Andrea’s rents. Instead, I worked out and watched all these home renovation shows.

Relatives: Jews for Jesus
When I got to Ft. Laudy I went straight to my mom’s school where instead of perceiving me as Buzz Lightyear (as they had last time), her students asked if I was Basil’s brother. Basil is only 40 years older than me. Then, I met all my new step-relatives. Basil’s family, mostly comprised of Jews for Jesus, are lovely — they are quirky-conservative, if that makes sense. They share some common characteristics in that they are aggressive, literal, and candid — all things that are good for my mom. I introduced them to kombucha. They want me to call them by their titles, i.e. Uncle _________. It’s hokey, but fun.

Life in a Rap Video
Friday night we went out to South Beach. Apparently Memorial Day weekend is hip-hop weekend, which was intimated to me on my plane from Chicago. I felt like I was in a Snoop Doggy Dog video. It was HI-LARIOUS! We ended up at the Delano, — a refuge from the hooptie scene — where we waded in the ankle high pool, and listened to Buddha Bar-inspired music. Before exiting, I was drawn to a hammock with a slow hootchie named Claudia who invited me to swing with her. She was impressed when I told her I had a "JD" — she asked what it stood for and I told her "Juris Doctor" and she was like "Whoa - you’re a doctor?!" I was like "hells ye-ah." Anyway, I left the establishment and in front of the Delano I bumped into not one, but three, Macalester alums in two discrete groups!!!! Who knew Mac peeps were so trendy? (edit: I just bumped into another Mac grad yesterday who just moved here from Germany…the fun never ends!)

Versace
The next day I bought a stellar snap-button shirt and jacket at Lucky (Sawgrass), hosted a Cuban pre-wedding dinner, surprised the newlyweds with a trip to Italy, and had a nice night. They have an upstairs neighbor who is this short, late 60’s player who is dating this taller, plastic surgeried, fake blonde woman who is a carbon copy of Donatella Versace. They just happened upon the party, and she and my mom had an instant connection. The whole time she was whispering to her lover "that woman [Delia] is my new best friend!" How am I who I am?

Spit, Rice, and Honey Constitution
Late that night, Petey, Vanessa and I hung out with my new step-cousin and step-brother. We convinced them of various things, including that Vanessa was a dominatrix, a test tube baby, and that our parents met at a pillow group where pillows are used to "fill the gaps of your soul." They were perfectly gullible. In the depths of this deception, we learned about something very real: a culture named "the fluffies" where people dress as animals and mascots and mate. Google it. Unrelatedly, at one point, I offered for Vanessa to spit in my hand, which I quicky rescinded. Then, Petey said he would never rescind such an offer; that it violated his Constitution. Somehow, Petey ended up consuming a ball of honey, rice, Vanessa’s spit, and water, with the honor and grace of an ATO brother. Vanessa later spit in my hand, and I believe I demonstrated the honor of a lesser fraternity, perhaps Delta Upsilon (?)

The next day we did crepes in the morning, and waded in the beach in the afternoon. Can anybody tell my why labor unions are good?

Wedding
My mother and Basil’s wedding was magnificent — held in gorgeous gardens. The 5 hours flew by.  The food was splendid (beef tenderloin, and creme brulee), and the drinks wonderful. It was the best wedding I have been to, and it just happened to be my mother’s.  I helped draft the sermon, which was delivered by Basil’s brother-in-law — a Pentacostal pastor who was directed to extract the Lord’s name from his delivery. I tried to regulate, but did not prevail; he replaced every "Jesus" that would have been there with 5 "Lords" "Gods" and "our Savior’s". They also said the word "cleave" a lot. What is that?

I also gave the champagne toast and pissed off the masses with my mention that old people can sometimes be set in their ways. Whoops! (So can young people to be honest.) There were lots of dancing types there — including the old people — and I sweat about 2 pounds off. Also, a big perk is that I really think my mom and Basil go well together. They say the 3rd time is a charm. My mom changed her last name to "Vergato." She never took my father’s last name, so it’s weird to reconceive of her under this new appellation, especially because it means "see the cat" in Spanish.

I am so glad that my friends came to the wedding. It made it a much richer experience for me, and my mom was so happy to have them. In particular, it was nice that my high school and law school friends got on so well. They are such great people and I always look forward to seeing them.  Now that I have seen Petey in Salt Lake, and Florida in the span of a week, I am going to go through Petey withdrawal. On the same note, the
country seems so small. Like, I could just pick up and go anywhere at
anytime. Had I not gone to FL, I would be in NY right now for work. I not-so-secretly want Vanessa to move to San Francisco. I think her spirit is perfectly suited to this environment. I want to go to Seattle soon!

Separated
It was interesting to see my mom’s friends at the wedding, many of whom
I had not seen in over 10 years. Many of them looked so much older and did not recognize me, saying that I was now an "old man."
I don’t know if, when or why I’ll ever see them again. It’s strange
to say goodbye to them knowing that I will probably only hear about them when there is a
tragedy. Following my 20 people theory, I may know about what’s
going on in their lives — because it’s a good conversation topic with my mom — but our lives are too removed from one
another’s to find time or context to reconnect.

Decompressed
The next morning I had the worst Charlie Horse ever (the kind where you have to express your pain aloud), with limping and everything, and endured a long, very turbulent flight. The way I cope with turbulence is to look at the wing, listen to loud and dramatic choral music and smile. I am sure the people sitting next to me think I am psycho.  I read the entirety of The Tipping Point and believe I exhibit characteristics of the three personalities reviewed.  I have actually been labelled a Maven and Connector by different people. Interesting read, but I’m not sure what to do with it. I also liked the part where they said that we try to taxonomize people as liars, extroverts, etc., but those descriptions are so contextual. Like I conceive of myself as an extrovert, but sometimes I just want to veg…alone. Thus, I am an extrovert and an introvert. I am not just more extroverted — perhaps more of the time I am — but when I am introverted, it is a real feeling, which the title "extrovert" does not encapsulate. I also finished a Collection of Beauties at the Height of Their Popularity. It was girlie, but good. I didn’t really get all the Japanese allusions.

Airplanes = kickball
I almost always fly alone. When I am seated early on, on these open seating flights, I always find it very interesting to see who chooses to sit next to me. It kind of reminds me of picking kickball teams in elementary school. I always have a complex when I am left sitting next to one of few remaining seats. I bet most people are psyched when this happens.  I try to look exceedingly normal so that somebody cool and unsmelly chooses to sit next to me. The last flight I did OK. When I have to choose, I look closely at the person who sits behind me, because that fidgetyness can make or break you — as my flight back from Salt Lake City suggests.

Finance
I decided to pursue a Masters in Finance instead of Psychology because it will further my career prospects in the world of higher education and development.

New Job
Yay for Andrea who has a new job blocks away from me! We’re going to do lunch all the time and maybe she’ll join my gym and we can work out together too. She is fiercely independant and may go on a cruise alone!

Dying with Clothes
I realize that you come into the world naked, and are buried with clothes on (generally). Isn’t that sort of weird and unnatural?

This is a busy week at work, and my cousin, and then father come for their visits. I don’t know how people find time for relationships. Maybe if I gave up blogging I could have one.

Life’s all about the lens you see it through.

20 Friends
I came to the realization that there are only 20 people I can realistically keep in touch with outside of my everyday life. I think the baseline for such a friendship is that you need be able to be annoyed with the person and express it, and you need to feel comfortable platonically sharing a bed with them.

Emotional Exhibitionist
Feels nice when someone appreciates you from afar.
Tonight, Andrea and I had a late dinner at Lahore Karahi, and were just being funny taking about clonism, mormonism, and retardation. This guy, unkempt in just the right hipster way, and donning checkerboard pants, was listening in on our conversation, quietly laughing at all the punchlines, and waiting for the right moment to interject. Knowing this was stimulating. Anyway, he interjected when I was talking about domesticating badgers, saying that they were "people-killers", and we ended up having a really interesting conversation for about an hour. Turns out he is a fairly prominent DJ, much preferring vinyl to digital, who travels around the world doing same. Admittedly, I was hoping he was more famous. I wanted him to be related to Duncan Sheik at the very least.

Predecessor
Last week, I went to Medjool (the Egyptian tapas place) and randomly ran into the predecessor of my current job. She was hella nervous to meet me, which was a big honor. She is definitely a character, with big fluffy hair; reminded me of the character Garfield. What that doesn’t portray is that she is a really warm, sincere person. The type of person who will caress your arm as they talk to you. She gave me some good tips, and two hugs. Big shoes to fill in the best way possible.

Bay to Breakers (sounds like "beta breakers").
If you are reading this from outside San Francisco, you should know that there are many really great annual events that are avant garde and I love it, i.e. the Folsom St. Fair, the Black and White Ball, the Exotic-Erotic Ball, Halloween in the Castro, the free DMB concert, the list goes on. Last week was one of them: Bay to Breakers. At this 8-mile "race" about 100,000 people get up at 5 AM, have morning parties getting sloshed on mimosas and bloody maries, dressing in costume  (or go naked) and traversing the City from the Embarcadero to the Breakers in the Outer Richmond. Along the  way are 100’s of bands of all genres, and people flinging jello shots and tortillas at you.  What a trip! I went with a group of about 20 who dressed as doctors and patients, and pushed a shopping cart with a keg that hung a sign of Julio Iglesias. The team took too many pit stops for keg stands, so I defected.  On my voyage, I saw people dressed as salmon swimming "upstream", human tacos, a group of "popefuls", a dominatrix on a wheeled chariot who whipped me, and a float of the michael jackson daycare facility. So postmodern. I love it. Afterwards, we found this great little local place for dim sum. Though, I have never been so tired at 2 PM.

IPOD
I couldn’t wait for the scam that is freeipods.com. I now have an Ipod (mini — green). I thought they were overhyped, expensive versions of walkmen. Turns out they’re underhyped. I now have a soundtrack of my lifel, which makes everything I do so much more interesting. Homeless people don’t harass me anymore, err - I just don’t notice them now. Actually one ran behind me and yelled at me on Friday and I had no idea, until I look behind me and saw everybody staring at us. All I do is listen to music. For 3 nights, I was a hermit trapped in the cave that is my bedroom and identified songs that I like. I can’t believe I know 500+ songs. Get one if you can afford it. Seriously.

Salt Lake City
I went to a wedding in Salt Lake City. Nice city. Clean, crisp/dry air, attractive people, CHEAP AS FUCK. You can get a stellar house for like $150K. Martinis are like $5.00. Gas: $2.29. It’s nuts.  I went on a tour of the Conference Center, which is the biggest religious building in the world with an elderly couple from Nebraska.
I bought a bunch of clothes. I got hit on by this checkout clerk who asked where I was from and said, "why are all the cute ones from California?"  Dude- unlike their reputation, these people don’t preach, or even ask for your address. They are more progressive than you think. Not only do they allow sex toys, and drink Coke, we saw a mormon tell off a lunatic protester who was decrying the church for being pro-choice (because of their pro-choice policies for instances of rape or incest). She called the extremist "an idiot." To be honest, I am sort of offended that they didn’t try to convert me, especially after I showed so much interest in them. For retribution, a fun activity that we concocted was walking around Temple Square, whispering expletives. Though Mormons are hella cool, they are uber-cheesy — like Pleasantville, Stepford Wives, or the movie Crossroads.  We saw the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. That shit was free. Mormons love to sing (and hug). Look up telestial and terestial kingdoms, just out of interest. Sorry Catholics, their purgatories are more sophisticated.

Prairie Schooner
If you are ever in Ogden, Utah eat at the Prairie Schooner, where you dine in your own covered wagon just like the pioneers. There is even a taxidermied Native American (in addition to bison and coyotes.)

Wedding
So, I was in SLC for a wedding which took place in the planetarium where the couple met. I was a groomsman. The wedding was atypical, which was fun. The bride had actually never been to a wedding before.  Marzipan-topped cupcakes in lieu of a cake. And, they threw a garter belt without the bouquet. We saw a Pink Floyd laser show. I even sang karaoke. There was no liquor. But I got "high" on lemonade, I tell you. I usually feel sort of shy or insecure or something at weddings, but this wedding felt like it was our’s and we had such a blast. Seeing law school buddy bears was so much fun. We came up with a little metaphor for the improvement projects
in Hartford. Hartford is like an old lady in a hospice, and the
projects are like injections of Botox.Mel Brookes came all the way to Utah from Jersey for less than 24 hours. Talk about dedication. Mr. Petey and I had a blast interacting with a precocious 4-year old whom we plan to visit in Seattle. He is in the aforementioned top 20.

I have three more weddings on my plate now: my mom next week, one in Napa next month, and one in Salem, Oregon in October. It’s like a reprise of the bar mitzvah chapter of my life (minus Vanilla Ice and cavariccis) and I love it.

Alumni Board
The person from Mac who is my same position there took me out to dinner in SF and pitched to me to become the President of the Bay Area chapter of the Macalester Alumni Board. I said "hells yee-ah." I get to plan events and bring Macites together. Despite the fact that I relatively problematic, I love Macalester, so this is a very good thing.

Conclusion
So, yeah, I realized our lives are all a mish-mashed equation of failures (relationships), and excitements (road-trips, food, and concerts), and boredoms (when nobody calls you back, there’s nothing good on TV, and it’s rainy outside), and awkwardness (like the end of a conversation, when you just don’t know what to say and exhausted everything you have). I am always trying to find a balance between delusional confidence and self-victimization. You can complain or revel too much. You can also overthink too much, or not think enough. I’m rationalizing my recent failure, but in the process realize everything I do have — a life I always dreamed of, in a place that I love, with people who I love, both near and far. As I wrote in my e-mails to people: I’m A-OK.

Last night I attended a fantastic dinner party with yummy vegetarian food at the home of a college acquaintance. It was one of those really comfortable nights, where wine was constantly being consumed and refilled, and the time flew by. She lives about a block away from me. Isn’t it weird when you realize how cool somebody is after *technically* knowing them for years and years?

Yesterday I was passing by a tire store and as I smelled the melting rubber tires, I got hungry for blue cheese. I confused the smells.

I really like the sugar substitute: Stevia.

I went to the dentist yesterday and I have cavities and so-so gums. I am debating between the silver and white fillings. Are the white ones worth $100 each more?

They printed a big editorial comment and picture of mine in the front of the alumni magazine. I have been working LATE the whole week. Tonight I interviewed potential board candidates. It was so interesting to be on the other side of an interview like that. It’s crazy how human the interviewer feels; how many times I tuned out or just wanted the interview to end; how frustrating it is to ask additional questions or field their’s after you know there is no way. The "Junior Past President" was very condescending to me when I was giving my input; knowing exactly what the answer would be, she asked "how many people have you hired?" I said about 30. The Journal was a type of hiring. Sort of.  (So is admissions.) Got home at 9:30 tonight. Tomorrow is the BIG day — my 300+ person event transpires. I am ordering a stellar chocolate cake, reminiscent of Cafe Latte’s.  Yummers.

Speaking of which,  back in college, a great friend and I used to go to Cafe Latte, where the cake slices are too big for human consumption. We used to wait for patrons with big eyes to leave. We would nonchalantly approach their table and slip the cake piece in a plastic take-home container, steal some nonfat milk intended for coffee and eat others’ cakes until our tummies were full. We also brought our "leftovers" home to our roommates.

I think the "new job honeymoon" is an interesting concept that needs to be fleshed out more in pop-culture.

When I worked for Kaplan teaching SSAT, the prep-school-to-be crowd had to write position papers, and they were given the cliche "no good deed goes unpunished." They had no concept, and would expound these really disjointed arguments like: "Once I was bad, and I got punished, but sometimes I do good deeds, like take care of my little brother." I wish I didn’t understand this concept.

I have this friend I really like who is the most ungrateful person I know. I keep on doing him favors and I don’t know why. He’s sort of a tortured soul and seems really sweet, but he’s a total taker, and it’s VERY grating.

Through my job I got a friend of mine a sweet gig playing an hour’s worth of music for $100, with the contingency that he needs to deal with the equipment himself. He’s this dude that totally wants to make a name for himself in the music world, so this should be something he really appreciates. $100 for an hour’s not bad, and there’s tons of talent in San Fran dying for this sort of show.

Instead, he has been a thorn in my side since then. He’s always calling asking for favors concerning this.  I have to repeat to him over and over again that I won’t go out of my way to help him because I have many other things to worry about seeing as it is a 300-person event. I tell him that he has to contact a facilities person. He dropped by this weekend to borrow my 5 favorite CDs.

Tonight he follows suit, and I repeat to him — still CD-less — that I won’t help him. He complains that he’ll have to rent equipment that costs more than $100. I tell him, you better tell me if I need to get somebody else. He calls me a "prick."

I HATE doing favors for people who make those favors responsibilities.

On a college Monday, I promised I would help a friend of mine find a plane ticket to San Francisco for cheap on Tuesday. Monday night I didn’t sleep. Tuesday, the friend and I had class together. After class we went to the college computer lab and I labored to look for a cheap ticket. After about an hour, we couldn’t find one, and I expressed that I had to go to sleep. The friend — who I still adored — was pissed at me. PISSED. She said that I broke my promise. What the fuck is that?

Then there are a couple of humungi incidents in law school that take the cake but warrant a book rather than a blog.

Right now I am listening to Alexi Murdoch, someone who the original culprit would love to sing. It’s awesome, soft, inspiring, challenging music that is totally pissing me off right now, and totally not intended to..

Anyway, don’t call me a prick. Ever. At least to my face.  Especially when I’m doing you a favor. The end.

Had this really weird realization about plants. Real plants are the coolest when they appear fake, and fake plants are coolest when they appear real. Why is that?

Also, I can’t seem to get off the topic of human cheese. I heard it tastes like cantelope juice. Would you eat it? It just seems so much more natural than arbitrarily eating goat or cow’s milk. it’s interesting the random ways we use animal products. Why don’t we eat pig’s milk? And, why don’t we make a nice thin leather out of chicken skin? This stuff baffles me.

I felt "cheap" this weekend. I usually hang out with people who are much thriftier than me. I am usually the splurger, but i felt fiscally restrained this weekend. it was good because it made me realize how i am perceived when i try to get others to splurge.

Great week and weekend.

Friday night — French-Vietnamese dinner. Found out once-and-for-all that Julies is closing, which is extremely sad!!!! They’re going to have a funeral party, and we’re going to weep and weep and weep.

After, went out with a big group, including out of towner Cristin to a great bar called The Red Room, then to Cigar Bar, and then to Showgirls. The latter was the least offensive strip bar I have been to. A lot of the male clientele seemed to be of the dot-com variety, and the performers were attractive, and one was particularly talented on the pole. Went to bed at 5.

Saturday, went to Tahoe — went to Squaw Valley. Apparently, consorted near some Olympic skiers. The crowd was notably white there. Lots of ski bums, which is an interesting contingency. Never has my Patagonia fetish felt so appropriate. I came upon a little store with massage chairs and got about 4 rounds of powerful massage and was hooked up to an experimental brain machine, which was psychodellic and a little bit relaxing. The massage resulted in pain and knots in my leg muscles. Ultimately I don’t think it was a good investment, but I guess you live and learn. Also went around the breathtaking lake, had a very expensive dinner at Cesar’s, and went to the casino and played in the video arcade. (more bang for your buck.)

This morning we took a tram up about 10K feet into the air. I think it’s about a mile. Loved seeing snow for a bit, and getting to leave. Stopped in Davis on the way back and had some great indian food, and came home, listened to some Russians rock out on the guitar, went late-night grocery shopping for the first time in eons, and checking out profiles of hot people on friendster.

A friend said he doesn’t think I’ll ever get married. I may or may not.

This is a big week for work with graduation and all.

Excited about going home to Florida, and to my mom’s wedding.

Dreading public speaking more than I have in a while. Not sure why. Sometimes I don’t feel extroverted. Most of the time I do, but sometimes I like to observe or tune out.

Go to Tahoe. It’s beautiful. I got a little pissed at myself because my point of reference for the landscape was the Disney World Wilderness Lodge. I have to unprogram myself from such yucky consumerist impulses.

I didn’t talk to my mom enough on Mother’s Day. Or, my sister for her birthday. I am more consumed in the "here and now" than I have been before. Trying to value it. Maybe it’s just grey.