Anti-Tsunami

Hello. This is going to be a painfully long post, so glance if you will. My trip was challenging - not in the intuitive spiritual way. Rather, the hard part of the trip was negotiating my sanity. There I was, stuck in this intensely important place with layers of complexity, history and beauty, with a critical mass of distractingly uninspiring alcoholics. It made the trip almost ironic. Alas, I still learned a lot about Andrew, Israel, and Judaism. But, just differently than expected.

The Airport

El Al has the most intense security protocol in the industry. We had to arrive 4 hours before our flight. Before you board a plane to Israel you are subjected to a harsh dialectic, some of which is in Hebrew (which is hard for someone who doesn’t speak Hebrew). Here are some of the questions I was asked:

(1) “Did you bring a notebook?” “No” “I ask this because someone once concealed a bomb as a notebook.” Thanks for the idea, buddy.

(2) “When, where, and why did you purchase your shoes?”

After all this, I was detained in a little room because I admitted to having an unused digital camera. I thought everybody had been put in the room, but that wasn’t the case. I met some people who I thought I would be friends with, who I barely spoke to again, i.e. “airport friends”. I also met some people who seemed duddy, which was surely an omen.

By the gate, I was asked nonchalantly about the weapons I had on me. Jeez. (I said the Lord’s name in vain a lot, or maybe I just noticed it more).

Meanwhile, during the search, they turned on my Ipod which died early in the trip, and is now in recovery.

The Flights

The 18-hour flight to Israel was interesting. I sat dead center, between two very religious people: a pre-school Hebrew teacher and a religious Mexican Jew (who had changed his ways after his birthright trip). I was scared of brainwash at this point. (Atheist friends, have no fear.) My neighbors prayed on both sides of me every time there was turbulence and explained various customs and prayers in the Torah. They ordered special food, like bread with fruit juice in it so they didn’t have to wash their hands. I learned about parev and tefillin. I read the rest of Blink, and took an Ambien to get some sleep between lessons. I narrowly averted affixing an ugly black box to my head by distracting the Mexican Jew with a discussion about the kosher-ness of turkey bacon. I also enjoyed watching the orthodox men fret when faced with sitting next to (and leaving for the mere possibility of *gasp* touching) a woman who is not their wife. The planes were very old — they still had ashtrays, and the different phases of refurbishment left for very inconsistent accomodations. Hands-down the worst thing about El Al is that they leave the dirty trays in front of you for an hour. And, they show really bad movies.

The People

Let me preface this by saying that I don’t know how I feel about democracy anymore. I don’t think most Americans are qualified to elect our leadership. There is no screening process to participate on birthright. If you meet the criteria, it’s first come, first served. This open admissions process was reflected in the group. We spent about 90% of our time with a group of 40 people. By the time I deplaned, and boarded the bus I knew these mostly weren’t "my people" - and I don’t mean that in the religious sense. I immediately felt like I was on a fraternity rush. I have never before been surrounded by the full range of IQ’s.

Let me provide you with some example of these people:

- On our trip was a man who takes pornographic pictures, and a woman who was an MTV reality show for her addiction to plastic surgery (remarkably, she looks just like Tori Spelling).

- When we first landed in Israel someone remarked "it’s so weird to be on the other side of the continent".

- When we visited the Massada, there was a stone wall with a horizontal line dividing it into two parts - top and bottom - to distinguish the original wall from the replica. Someone asked, "which part was the original?"

- People were observing the holiest sites on earth affixed to their cell phones.

-Some people couldn’t get through security when we arrived in Israel because of their hair devices.

- Someone said she would never vote for Hilary Clinton, to which I responded “why?” She said, “because she is a bad politician,” to which I responded “why?” She looked at me like I was crazy and walked away.

- People had never heard of the word "Messiah"

As it turned out, I met about 10 people who are super cool (including a guy who’s car runs on bio-diesel, i.e. vegetable oil), and most of whom live in the Bay Area.

What I found most compelling about the good people is that they didn’t have the same visceral reactions to the others and their ignorance as I did. I never thought I was *so* intolerant before, or that my life experiences (or level of awareness) were so unreflective of that of the average educated American.

Another interesting thing is that a lot of these people reminded me of other people. One guy was a spitting image of Jesse Hagopian, another reminded me of Megan Newell, and another was a cross between Tom Stone and Melanie Brookes. Weird combo, eh?

Affirmative Action - I will say that after seeing the decent pedigrees that many of these people have, my views on affirmative action are bolstered because (1) these people need to be confronted and challenged, and (2) our supposed “meritocracy” is not a good measurement of productivity or intelligence. This trip made the issue of privilege more prominent to me than teaching SAT classes for Kaplan.

The trip organizers sucked.

- Our freedom on the trip was absurdly restricted. We had to remain in so-called “boundaries” everywhere we went. I had to sneak in the Arab quarter (which is way cooler than the Jewish quarter). They lied to us that we couldn’t go to places like Jericho or Bethlehem due to alleged security concerns. They would only let us get in the ocean up to our knees (there was no undertoe). On the second day, my roommates and I were scolded by people our own age because we slept through 10 minutes of dinner.

- We had this rabbi who was the most sarcastic person I had ever met. He was disliked by the entire group. He is married to a woman named "Cricket" because she was born premature and had wide-set eyes and a crinkled head. He gravitated toward me one night at dinner and described that he felt like Steve Martin in “The Lonely Guy”. I don’t think I was very consoling. He tried to justify how he doesn’t allow the people in front of him on a plane to recline their seat. What a schmuck.

- The other “leader” was this girl who was younger than me who seemed to have no personality until some people on the trip started giving her attention. Then, she just bashed the sucky rabbi, and played “would you rather” so she could curry favor with the losers.

LA v. SF

There is this really prominent cultural disconnect between Northern and Southern Californians. Many Lala-landers had a drinking problem; they couldn’t function without a drink in their hand and went out every chance they could get. It was strange because they are from LA – a place with particularly good bars – as opposed to say Tel Aviv, which has more the nightscene Philadelphia at best. I would think they would have taken 2 weeks off to explore West Hollywood, or maybe Cannes, rather than trek to bars in the Holy Land. This bar they spent New Years at was exactly like the Spigot, a bar I often avoided in Hartford. I had heard about the LA mentality, but I thought I would be OK because I grew up in South Florida. Let me tell you, it’s really different.

In South Florida, being Latino doesn’t make you poor or stupid. It’s the mainstream culture. It’s Wayne Huizenga, and JLo, and Gloria Estefan. You go to a hospital and the doctors are Latino. Cubans have big mansions. It’s empowering. In LA, Mexicans get a bad rap and are perceived as lazy, poor, etc. I believe this widespread perception of a primary population taints Southern Californians’ perceptions of minorities in general.

Throughout the trip I heard dumb, racist (“n” and “A-rab”) and homophobic (“f”) remarks. Here are some examples:

- A classy older woman from the Jewish Federation of LA boarded the bus and earnestly asked what were the biggest problems in California, to which people remarked "Mexicans". Then, when we were tomato picking, whilst flinging and hitting tomatoes with makeshift bats people said that this was a job for Mexicans. One of my favorite people on the trip was a Mexican Jew (with a penchant for the game: “would you rather.”)

- I was having a drink with some folks and their many DUI convictions became the primary topic of conversation. One person had forgotten that she talked about it the day before because she was so drunk.

Perhaps the people on the trip felt they were in a safe space? Or brought back to their days on the bus to Hebrew School?  Either way, I used to think people at UConn Law were bland, avaricious, and a tad ignorant. However, even the worst of them was exponentially better –- and I mean that in the objective sense –- than fully one half of this trip. Go Huskies!

Interesting Parts

- It’s really cool to be in a country that is not governed by Christian norms. Hanukkah is not at all glitzy like it is in the United States. Apparantly, Jews in America only do that to compete with Christmas. Sunday is a full-on work day. New Years (called "sylvester") is no biggie. Everything stops on Shabbat. It’s like a siesta on steroids. I prefer to be active on my weekends, and I never before felt that so acutely. Your level of Judaism determines your access to technology. For example, there are Shabbat elevators that stop on every floor (on auto-pilot) next to fully functioning elevators.

- I wasn’t the least Jewish person on the trip. Between my trip to Israel as a kid, Camp Pocono Highlands, bar mitzvahs, and choir, my knowledge of songs, etc was respectable.

- I got lost in Netanya after being frustrated with the aforesaid ignorance. I passed right by our hotel and I was a little scared. The only thing that kept me sane was the Dominos pizza that I kept on passing. It was like a lighthouse. I never felt so close to Dominos.

- The Thai and Chinese food in Israel leaves much to be desired. They have an interesting snack food that is like a Cheetoh with peanut butter. If I never see hummus, falafel, and schwarma again, that is fine with me. The rugulah was super-duper. And, the bagels I had were respectable (though no traditional cream cheese). I missed bacon and shrimp dearly. Lack of access made the desire stronger. I love bottom feeders. Mmmmm. There was no NY Jewish food at all, i.e. egg creams, corned beef, latkes. What confused me I had a (very intelligent) friend who refused to eat Middle Eastern food when she visited me in SF, because she felt that it was anti-Jewish. Weird.

-  We went to this “mega-event” (where Sharon was supposed to speak), and it was so interesting to see 3000+ Jews from all over the world. What I didn’t like was the rampant nationalism when the announcer named all the countries represented. I cringe when I hear that hyper-masculine chant, “U-S-A <<pause>> U-S-A”. Ick.

- Practically everybody on the trip got sick. One girl got connected to an IV. We made about 3 pharmacy stops every day. The Israelis that were with us think Americans are the biggest wusses and that we are too reliant on medicine. Airborne became the new currency. By the end of the trip some people were wearing hospital masks. I had a 24-hour bug that I slept off.

-  75% of Israeli Jews are secular. Judiasm is far more a culture than a religion. Though, interestingly, there was one dude on the trip who was a convert who knew far more than most. What confused me about him was how he still wanted to Jewish after surrounding himself with these low-lifes. I had a bunch of interesting conversations about conversion actually.

-  We went to this cemetery in Kinneret on the Galilee and we had this guide who really inspired the Israeli soldiers with stories of Israel’s foremothers and fathers. They cried and carried on. It was interesting to me because when I hear about Patrick Henry and Abraham Lincoln I couldn’t even make myself cry. Their sense of nationalism is really insane. Perhaps because they served? Perhaps because they are always on the edge? Perhaps because of their education? Not sure.

-  Being in a Zionist country is interesting as an American Jew who mainly interacts with wealthy Jews. The firefighters, busboys, streetsweepers – everybody – are all Jewish.

-  Seeing the security fence in the West Bank was fascinating. Firstly, the unincorporated Palestinian settlements are really nice. I had always prior argued that if we gave Palestinian people resources and infrastructure that they would have something to lose. As it turns out, they have plenty to lose. It looks like suburbs on the other side, with highly dense, pristine communities, and gorgeous mosques.

- Terrorism - It’s so funny how we define it. Everybody seems to argue this natural law argument using “homicide bombers” as the buzzword, and continually argues that Israel won this land fair and square. However, what is fair combat? And, who gets to decide when to stop fighting; when there’s repose? Who’s repose?

- Propaganda – birthright is total propaganda. The way they described the UN partition plan as a joke and Palestinians as “foreigners” is nausea-inducing. The trip is about mating and donations. I kept on thinking that I am not sure it’s a wise use of resources to send overprivileged people abroad to drink and screw. Concededly, it’s easy for me to say this now that I have taken advantage of it.

- One of the more interesting situations was going to the Western Wall on Shabbat the night Ariel Sharon had the stroke. We had to wear yamakas (mine was the free one made out of paper, which was strangely reminiscent of the old Burger King hats, that refused to stay on my Jewfro). The place was packed with Hasidic men bobbing their bodies to and fro. I wasn’t sure how to interact with these people, especially when they were the majority. They didn’t seem smiley. On the side of the wall was what I call a “rabbinical sauna” where the particularly intense prayers take place (alongside lockers and what look like dungeons). By the time I exited the wall, I had a particularly somber look on my face and one of the Hasidics mentioned to me that I should smile; otherwise, I looked like a terrorist.

- Hasidics are pretty despised for being lazy – they don’t join the military or pay taxes. They used to throw rocks at cars to protest technology. They beg at the wailing wall.

- Some South African students stayed at our hotel in Jerusalem. I had a talk with them thinking we could connect. But, it’s amazing how little I identify with most white South Africans. When I told them I had taken the transkaroo and lived in Langa they thought I was a freak of nature. They said “Koza.” Where are my Xhosas at?

-  It was very interesting to be surrounded by guns almost all of the time (not to mention land mines scattered about in the Golan Heights). It’s not like seeing someone with a gun in Compton. There are 18-year old kids with yamakas walking around with M-16’s and it becomes utterly normal. They even seem friendlier. So much of it seems symbolic to me. It was incredibly easy to get into high-density tourist areas.

-  We had our own “medic” – this guy Oded who looks a lot like Beavis. He was 22, a pacifist, and carried a rifle that was taped in the middle. Though he was charged with our health and protection, with the gun, and a variety of anonymous colorful pills, he confided that if he saw a terrorist he would run the other way.

-  I kissed a very aggressive (and ambitious) former officer in the Israeli army. At breakfast, I found out that she hooked up with a friend of mine. She played us off each other the rest of the next day. Update: She just called me as I was writing this to tell me that she’s “in love with me,” which is apparently an Israeli way of saying "you’re cool."

- Haifa is reminiscent of San Francisco.- They sort of brainwashed me with this bad Hebrew music they played. It has penetrated my brain (and perhaps my soul).

- I had a fantastic final night in Jerusalem (on Ben Yehuda Street). I danced in a square in Jerusalem with a bunch of hard-core rabbis who believe the messiah is almost here.

-  I kept on using the word “occupational psychosis” throughout the trip.

Returned:

- I drove up from LA with some awesome people. I left my cell phone in their car. I felt lost for 2 days without it.

- There was a foiled bomb 3 blocks from my house. It must have been a low-news day. The reports kept on saying the bomb could have caused injury. Disabled midgets can cause injury too.

- My sleep patterns are f-ed up, given the 10-hour time change. I got up early the other day to watch Good Morning America and they had a story about how dust mites and dangerous bacteria live in your pillows. I now have impervious pillow covers and mattress pads. I feel like I’m sleeping in a nursing home. Who cares? I love my apartment!

- I love my Chiropractor. She cracked me wicked good today.

- I start my ACT classes today!

Overall, my experience wasn’t nearly as bad as the above description made it sound. Sure, the first few days I thought the trip was underwritten by the Palestinians. But, in all seriousness, it was actually good. On balance, the experience was very trying, but also made me think a whole lot. The people who were cool were really cool, and I even miss them.

Israel is a fascinating, multifaceted country, with tremendous history and politics and everybody should experience it. Mostly, what Jews have in common is not that the wailing wall affects us, or that we are smart or rich. Actually, I’m still trying to figure out what it means. It definitely means something. I overheard a soldier pointing out that Jewish people always stockpile plastic bags from the supermarket. I do this. Do you do this?

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 12th, 2006 at 5:26 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.